Attitude of Gratitude
Gratitude is a theme that has been trying to creep into my world as of late. As much as I push it aside, it keeps coming back. I think it's a conspiracy, but that's probably just my own bloated sense of self importance getting in the way.
Anyhow, upon the fifth anniversary of September 11th, this seemed like an important idea to honor and try to come to terms with.
It started in yoga. I have been practicing for about 6 years now, and I'm always amazed at the transformative power that yoga has on a life. I'm not talking LA power yoga to make you a hot bod, and I'm not talking achieving a pose and waiting for the heavens to open and pour enlightenment down into your brain. (I have personally achieved some of these poses and waited for this to happen, and guess what? Nothing happens...nothing.)And it's not just yoga. So many times when we reach a goal in life it isn't everything we expected it to be. We are still the same people in the same skin, and it feels almost disappointing. Sometimes it is so much more about the idea rather than the reality. But that's a lesson in itself. Nothing. That there is no goal, no achievement. You come to the world and to the mat at any given moment already armed with everything you need. Its like the real value of art - the real value is what you go through while making it. Now I'm certainly not advocating complacency or a blase attitude towards life. There are a million things worth fighting for and we must stay actively engaged in our lives at all times, questioning, feeling, accepting, and resisting all in balance. Our bodies in class are just an outward reflection of our emotional state. Keeping the muscles engaged, sensing when we are tired and trying to achieve the balance of strength and vulnerability is all just a physical practice and training for the mental and spiritual state.
As I was in class the other day a phrase kept popping up in my mind:YOU HAVE TO ATTACH TO WHAT IS IN ORDER TO DETACH FROM WHAT ISN'T. Now, not too profound in it's own right, but when looked at under the microscope of gratitude it made some sense. Gratitude, yikes, there it is again. My teacher wants us to use it as our intention this week. And it feels so forced to me. I feel like Polyanna sunshine pretending to put on a happy face. But I try. And try. And try. And I really try in my work place as the long hours and multiple changes to the show I'm working on start to take their toll. I try my damndest to be grateful. I wanted this job more than anything. But the heavens certainly haven't opened.
And yet I don't want to give up on this idea because it keeps nagging at my psyche. And when things nag at me, they really nag. It's that little mosquito of my conscience. So I'm driving to work one day on my long commute into the city when a program on NPR is discussing the idea of gratitude as a practice. My ears of course perk right up. Gratitude is not something that necessarily comes naturally to us, especially not with our social programming in America. If anything, we are trained to do just the opposite. To want and want and want. This comes as a relief to me. The program goes on to discuss gratitude as a discipline, just like anything else. It is something to be practiced, and will feel phony at first. But what gratitude really is I realize is just a calling to the present moment. How simple. I always rejected the idea of saying grace because I thought it was too churchy. But it's not. Grace is everywhere. Grace is gratitude. And gratitude is slowing down and calling your attention to what is instead of what isn't. It is a way of living creatively. Our own personal creativity in how we examine our world. And it has to be practiced.
